The same argument?

Have you and a significant other ever had the "same argument" over and over? Let me qualify that question. I don't mean having an argument about the same topic. I mean having an argument that starts over any topic and rapidly becomes about the argument and no longer the issue. It would seem very familiar to one or both of you. This argument would seem like its recurring and usually feels as if its getting bigger each time. Almost always bigger than the issue.

My classic example would be the garbage. If I were to say "a couple is breaking up over an argument about the garbage". Most would say "wow! That's petty." I would have to agree. If that argument started over garbage but soon was a recurring argument about the argument and that led to someone raising the bar to "I want a divorce". Two different scenarios depending on the type of argument.

It's been my experience that the latter is a carryover from a person's childhood. Where something happened to them or for them to make them feel unheard. They usually felt wronged by someone of authority like a parent, mentor or older sibling, etc. In addition the individual usually has no control over the emotion driving their argumentative behavior at that point. They may even see that it is irrational behavior but they can't control it.

Just because an individual can't control it, doesn't mean they are exempt from responsibility though. They have an emotional trigger and they need to address the issue to help themselves first then to help anyone else. Having said that, if you're the one that is in a relationship with this person you will have lots if resistance in a full frontal confrontation with them about their real problem. Especially at the time of the argument. At that point you are the target. So what's the best place for a target to be? That's right out of the way and not engaged in the firing.

So when a discussion about small things turns into that recurring argument about the argument, excuse yourself from it. Redefine what you are talking about (the issue) and state that you would love to discuss the issue but not have this recurring argument.

If they ever want to seek therapy for the arguments, encourage them. Preferably couples counseling but take what you can get. Just be careful if they come back and try to say that the therapist said anything definitive about you. A good therapist won't without meeting with you both.

Good luck! I hope this info helps anyone experiencing this issue.