Do you or your significant other do this? I've had people in general do this to me. I have also done it when I was much younger and had no realization that it was even possible let alone that I was doing it. Lol isn't usually like that?
Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings.[1]
Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.
An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and by redirecting libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or "projecting," those same faults onto another person or object.
The theory was developed by Sigmund Freud—in his letters to Wilhelm Fliess, '"Draft H" deals with projection as a mechanism of defense[2]—and further refined by his daughter Anna Freud, why it is sometimes referred to as Freudian projection.[3]
If you've read this and see yourself then you are now aware of the issue. I'd you've read this and see only others you're not aware of your own issue....lol. Please remember that if in fact this is your significant other, you can't change them. Only they can change themselves if they choose to. You may be able to help exposé them to the problem in couples counseling but I think that would be the only venue that you could be successful at being open about this issue. Good luck!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Listening.......
Do you really know what it is? We all think we do, I am sure. We all think that we are great listeners. Most of us believe we know the other person so well, that by the time they get the second or maybe eventhe third word out of their mouth, we know exactly what they are saying.Hmmmm. Sounds a little incorrect, you think? What does it mean to listen? I am pretty sure that the first step in listening would at least be to let the person,that you are suppose to be listening to, actually finish their sentence. This doesn't happen very often I am finding out.....less often if you have known the person for a long time. Secondly, you should make sure you understand exactly what the other person is saying or trying to say before you respond. Otherwise you are still making an assumption. So to make sure you are understanding "COMPLETELY", ask questions, repeat back to them what it is you heard. Then only when you are sure you understand what is being said to or asked of you,respond accordingly. Even when we listen, we may not be hearing. So the most important thing with good communication is being a good listener that hears as much as possible. With some luck, the person that you are communicating with, will feel "heard" and return the favor. Have any of you ever felt "unheard"? I know I have and it isn't any fun and definitely takes the wind right out of your sails for communication. The standard feeling is "why bother", they are going to do whatever regardless. So be the best listener you can be, so that even when the other person is not saying or presenting well, you can help identify what it is that they are trying to say and let them feel like they are communicating with someone that cares what they have to say and in turn will do the same for you.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Greener Grass......
As I was reading some other blogs I came across an article about the location of the greener grass. Grass is a living breathing entity. It drinks, it requires nutrients and sunshine.
If in fact one thinks the grass is greener on the other side, they must first look to see what's happening on the other side. They need to know the proper watering schedule, list of nutrients and sunshine. If the nutrients are just some quick fix to green up the grass for curb appeal they need to find that out.
Once they've found out the combination of that, then they need to check the combination they've been using on their own grass. If they used something false to just green up for curb appeal, then they need to ask why? If it was for a quick turnaround then they can and should just move on. If they truly want their slice of grass to be really worth something then they need to change their recipe to good quality ingredients, lots of sunshine and water and put In some elbow grease and make it happen.
If you abuse your grass too much with the cheap nutrients or manipulation or lack of sunshine and water, there will be a point that you can't bring it back at all. So be careful how long you wait to put in the effort and the nutrients.
I hope these gardening tips have been helpful.
Btw-watch out for grasshoppers! Lol
If in fact one thinks the grass is greener on the other side, they must first look to see what's happening on the other side. They need to know the proper watering schedule, list of nutrients and sunshine. If the nutrients are just some quick fix to green up the grass for curb appeal they need to find that out.
Once they've found out the combination of that, then they need to check the combination they've been using on their own grass. If they used something false to just green up for curb appeal, then they need to ask why? If it was for a quick turnaround then they can and should just move on. If they truly want their slice of grass to be really worth something then they need to change their recipe to good quality ingredients, lots of sunshine and water and put In some elbow grease and make it happen.
If you abuse your grass too much with the cheap nutrients or manipulation or lack of sunshine and water, there will be a point that you can't bring it back at all. So be careful how long you wait to put in the effort and the nutrients.
I hope these gardening tips have been helpful.
Btw-watch out for grasshoppers! Lol
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thought for today!
As I was reading another relationship blog this morning I found a great article. I hope it helps everyone.
Check this out!
Have a great day!
Check this out!
Have a great day!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Thought for today.
Take 30 minutes today just for you. Not shopping, not worrying about what's not getting done at work, around the house or on tv. Just sit someplace semi quiet and relax. Fill you mind with thoughts of all the great times you've experienced to this point in your life. Just enjoy.
Do you create it!
"What's it?" You ask. Your relationship quality in this discussion.
While no "one" person in a couple can take the credit or blame for a great relationship or a poor relationship, each of us can control the flow. What's the downside to making the interaction as positive as possible?
Obviously, two people get together because of mutual attraction in one or more categories. Why not improve it and make it better? I know it's much easier and more definite outcome to tear something down. Especially a relationship. They are easy to tear down with all of the intimate details that get shared over time. You know the insecurities, fears and other hot buttons for that person. You can start it rolling with a simple comment and its on! Why not skip the negativity though. Build something great. It's actually simple to do. So why aren't more people doing it? It's scary. You have to do the work on yourself. That's the good news. Lol. You can change yourself into a more confident happier person. How? Simply by dealing with your own demons from your past.
Everyone has demons. Most don't realize it though. How do you realize them? Lots of ways. A person can try therapy or any one of dozens of self help seminars and books or just being self aware enough to analyze your negative behavior. Lets look at the last one briefly. One way you can identify demons for yourself is to analyze the next incident that you have a negative emotion that causes you to act negatively. Ask yourself if the thing that happened deserved your reaction. Ask if your perception was even correct. Also ask yourself if you've looked at all of the evidence first or did you react on an emotional level first then gather evidence to support your emotion. That's a big one.
If you're escalating an issue instead of resolving it, you are creating a negative relationship. If you chose to resolve it then you're creating a positive relationship. If you choose the third option and just let it go, then you truly need to let it go or it's always there waiting to come out again. Thus just delaying the contribution to a negative relationship.
If it is truly the other person in the relationship creating it solely then don't be a participant in the negative behavior. Respect yourself enough to not get sucked into the poor behavior. That would be the type of thing you could do to create a positive relationship.
Just remember we all have issues from our past no matter how young or old we are. They were starts from some level of interaction with others. It's normal and all we need is the tools to correct ourselves so we can be happier in life.
Have a great day and good luck.
While no "one" person in a couple can take the credit or blame for a great relationship or a poor relationship, each of us can control the flow. What's the downside to making the interaction as positive as possible?
Obviously, two people get together because of mutual attraction in one or more categories. Why not improve it and make it better? I know it's much easier and more definite outcome to tear something down. Especially a relationship. They are easy to tear down with all of the intimate details that get shared over time. You know the insecurities, fears and other hot buttons for that person. You can start it rolling with a simple comment and its on! Why not skip the negativity though. Build something great. It's actually simple to do. So why aren't more people doing it? It's scary. You have to do the work on yourself. That's the good news. Lol. You can change yourself into a more confident happier person. How? Simply by dealing with your own demons from your past.
Everyone has demons. Most don't realize it though. How do you realize them? Lots of ways. A person can try therapy or any one of dozens of self help seminars and books or just being self aware enough to analyze your negative behavior. Lets look at the last one briefly. One way you can identify demons for yourself is to analyze the next incident that you have a negative emotion that causes you to act negatively. Ask yourself if the thing that happened deserved your reaction. Ask if your perception was even correct. Also ask yourself if you've looked at all of the evidence first or did you react on an emotional level first then gather evidence to support your emotion. That's a big one.
If you're escalating an issue instead of resolving it, you are creating a negative relationship. If you chose to resolve it then you're creating a positive relationship. If you choose the third option and just let it go, then you truly need to let it go or it's always there waiting to come out again. Thus just delaying the contribution to a negative relationship.
If it is truly the other person in the relationship creating it solely then don't be a participant in the negative behavior. Respect yourself enough to not get sucked into the poor behavior. That would be the type of thing you could do to create a positive relationship.
Just remember we all have issues from our past no matter how young or old we are. They were starts from some level of interaction with others. It's normal and all we need is the tools to correct ourselves so we can be happier in life.
Have a great day and good luck.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
The same argument?
Have you and a significant other ever had the "same argument" over and over? Let me qualify that question. I don't mean having an argument about the same topic. I mean having an argument that starts over any topic and rapidly becomes about the argument and no longer the issue. It would seem very familiar to one or both of you. This argument would seem like its recurring and usually feels as if its getting bigger each time. Almost always bigger than the issue.
My classic example would be the garbage. If I were to say "a couple is breaking up over an argument about the garbage". Most would say "wow! That's petty." I would have to agree. If that argument started over garbage but soon was a recurring argument about the argument and that led to someone raising the bar to "I want a divorce". Two different scenarios depending on the type of argument.
It's been my experience that the latter is a carryover from a person's childhood. Where something happened to them or for them to make them feel unheard. They usually felt wronged by someone of authority like a parent, mentor or older sibling, etc. In addition the individual usually has no control over the emotion driving their argumentative behavior at that point. They may even see that it is irrational behavior but they can't control it.
Just because an individual can't control it, doesn't mean they are exempt from responsibility though. They have an emotional trigger and they need to address the issue to help themselves first then to help anyone else. Having said that, if you're the one that is in a relationship with this person you will have lots if resistance in a full frontal confrontation with them about their real problem. Especially at the time of the argument. At that point you are the target. So what's the best place for a target to be? That's right out of the way and not engaged in the firing.
So when a discussion about small things turns into that recurring argument about the argument, excuse yourself from it. Redefine what you are talking about (the issue) and state that you would love to discuss the issue but not have this recurring argument.
If they ever want to seek therapy for the arguments, encourage them. Preferably couples counseling but take what you can get. Just be careful if they come back and try to say that the therapist said anything definitive about you. A good therapist won't without meeting with you both.
Good luck! I hope this info helps anyone experiencing this issue.
My classic example would be the garbage. If I were to say "a couple is breaking up over an argument about the garbage". Most would say "wow! That's petty." I would have to agree. If that argument started over garbage but soon was a recurring argument about the argument and that led to someone raising the bar to "I want a divorce". Two different scenarios depending on the type of argument.
It's been my experience that the latter is a carryover from a person's childhood. Where something happened to them or for them to make them feel unheard. They usually felt wronged by someone of authority like a parent, mentor or older sibling, etc. In addition the individual usually has no control over the emotion driving their argumentative behavior at that point. They may even see that it is irrational behavior but they can't control it.
Just because an individual can't control it, doesn't mean they are exempt from responsibility though. They have an emotional trigger and they need to address the issue to help themselves first then to help anyone else. Having said that, if you're the one that is in a relationship with this person you will have lots if resistance in a full frontal confrontation with them about their real problem. Especially at the time of the argument. At that point you are the target. So what's the best place for a target to be? That's right out of the way and not engaged in the firing.
So when a discussion about small things turns into that recurring argument about the argument, excuse yourself from it. Redefine what you are talking about (the issue) and state that you would love to discuss the issue but not have this recurring argument.
If they ever want to seek therapy for the arguments, encourage them. Preferably couples counseling but take what you can get. Just be careful if they come back and try to say that the therapist said anything definitive about you. A good therapist won't without meeting with you both.
Good luck! I hope this info helps anyone experiencing this issue.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Help is right here....
Are you angry, unhappy? Do you feel unloveable, unworthy or just plain lost?
If any of the above are true, even some of the time I can help, if you let me. We all need some help from time to time. Some of us more than others. There is no shame in needing help. The only shame would be in not asking for it. So whatever problem there is in a relationship with a significant other, friend or relative, ask away!
If any of the above are true, even some of the time I can help, if you let me. We all need some help from time to time. Some of us more than others. There is no shame in needing help. The only shame would be in not asking for it. So whatever problem there is in a relationship with a significant other, friend or relative, ask away!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Still in love in Rocklin
Original email-
"Dear Buffet,
My problem involves a coworker. We were in a relationship a few years ago and she broke up with me. She feels that I cheated. She still accuses me of lying and cheating even now years later.
We both have dated others since the breakup. She has contacted me several times for sex. Just raw awesome sex. She has cheated with me on some boyfriends. We often talk about having a future yet she drops me like a hot rock when she wants to. She calls me weekly for sex. I always meet her or sometimes just hang out with her when she calls.
Recently, she's told me that it will never be more than just sex for her. She says she can never trust me again. I didn't cheat. She texts me all night when she knows I'm out with my guy friends. She won't leave me alone when I try to walk away. She is very hot and hard for me to resist.
What can I do?"
Response:
Dear Rocklin,
She's told you everything you need to know. She only wants sex. You're only a priority to her when she wants sex or she feels you slipping away from her control. It sounds as if she gets some kind of high just messing with your head. It is an unhealthy relationship between the two of you. The choices are to keep doing what you're doing or change your behavior to one of the following, 1) don't be her doormat, make the sex (non emotional) work for you until you find someone that appreciates you and never look back at her no matter how hot she is. 2) walk away, no friendship because she isn't friendly. She is suffocating you emotionally while doing whatever she wants. Also, you know she's a cheater. Her standard for you is when she just thought you cheated she couldn't ever trust you again. You KNOW she cheated so you know she's not trustworthy for a monogamous relationship. Good luck and I hope this helps......
"Dear Buffet,
My problem involves a coworker. We were in a relationship a few years ago and she broke up with me. She feels that I cheated. She still accuses me of lying and cheating even now years later.
We both have dated others since the breakup. She has contacted me several times for sex. Just raw awesome sex. She has cheated with me on some boyfriends. We often talk about having a future yet she drops me like a hot rock when she wants to. She calls me weekly for sex. I always meet her or sometimes just hang out with her when she calls.
Recently, she's told me that it will never be more than just sex for her. She says she can never trust me again. I didn't cheat. She texts me all night when she knows I'm out with my guy friends. She won't leave me alone when I try to walk away. She is very hot and hard for me to resist.
What can I do?"
Response:
Dear Rocklin,
She's told you everything you need to know. She only wants sex. You're only a priority to her when she wants sex or she feels you slipping away from her control. It sounds as if she gets some kind of high just messing with your head. It is an unhealthy relationship between the two of you. The choices are to keep doing what you're doing or change your behavior to one of the following, 1) don't be her doormat, make the sex (non emotional) work for you until you find someone that appreciates you and never look back at her no matter how hot she is. 2) walk away, no friendship because she isn't friendly. She is suffocating you emotionally while doing whatever she wants. Also, you know she's a cheater. Her standard for you is when she just thought you cheated she couldn't ever trust you again. You KNOW she cheated so you know she's not trustworthy for a monogamous relationship. Good luck and I hope this helps......
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